God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen - Jars of Clay - listen now

Wednesday, February 1, 2006

Okay, So Here's My Day So Far...

All times are estimated because I can't really remember what happened when.

Woke up at 7:45 am - If you want to know why, ask Robbie. I should be at work at 8:30. Ack!

8:30 am - I'm sitting in traffic at a freeway off-ramp waiting for the light to turn green - no I haven't showered. I glance at the rearview mirror and see a red car coming from the freeway at lightspeed. I Think: "That car isn't going to stop." I am correct! Yea me! Red car doesn't stop. Red car hits gold car in front of it pushing gold car toward my car. I make a squinty face and pray, confess sins, and wonder if my funeral will be nice. I see gold car moving in sloooowwww motion. I'm still confessing, in sloooowwww motion. Then, just as I say "amen" the gold car ever so gently taps my car and scuffs my bumper. My first thought: I should never have told Jesus about that one time at church camp.

8:30:15 am (Yes it was a long fifteen seconds for me too - it all went by in sloooowwww motion) - I get out of my car and rush over to gold car. Gold Car Woman - freaking out - jumps from her car while I'm asking "areyouallright areyouallright" and flings open the rear door. I then see the child seat and realize why she's freaking. Mother and child are fine. Whew.

Red Car Woman gets out of her car saying "what happened, what happened?" Those of you who know me can probably guess a few of the phrases that crossed my mind at that point. I chose to say: "Well lady, it's customary to brake at red lights, but you went with option 2 and almost killed us." Then I call 911. Gold Car Woman is hugging Toddler. Toddler looks pissed.

Typical Atlanta, no other drivers stop to see if we're okay, but a twenty-something chick does give us the finger because she has to go around us to get to the turn lane. I give her the finger and a big raspberry.

9:50 am - Police still haven't arrived, which is surprising because there is a Police Station Waffle House right across the street. Also, I've managed to fall flat on my face on the pavement helping move the cars out of the way and ruined a good pair khakis. Drat!

Disinterested Police Officer arrives. She's more butch than I am so I decide to be extra polite and not mention the slow response time.

10:00 am - Gold Car Woman can't talk to Police Officer and hold Toddler who is fidgety and still looks pissed off. Gold Car Woman hands Toddler to me! Not caring much for strange pissed off children, I grasp Toddler by the thumbs and hold him at arms length. I'm just kidding, I held him the way you're supposed too. By the ankles. I'm kidding! I hold Toddler and try to make small talk - blah blah State of the Union, blah blah Alito, blah blah blah. He was having none of it and gives me a very disapproving, and might I say snide glance, and starts to scream, howl, and cry. I reconsider the ankles option.

For some reason Red Car Woman doesn't appreciate my wit and has refused to socialize with me and Gold Car Woman. Instead she sits in her car pouting and talking on the phone.

10:10 am - Police Lady asks me what happened. I give my statement in which I totally incriminate Red Car Lady. I try and blame Toddler as well, but Police Lady doesn't buy it. I bow respectfully to the way butch Police Lady and decide to go home and change.

10:15 am - It occurs to me to call work.

10:30 am - I walk into the house and apparently surprise the dog who stops dead in her tracks and stares at me. I have the distinct impression that I've interrupted something.

I decide to take a shower - what the hell, I'm already late.

The dog walks into the bathroom and peeks her head around the shower curtin. Stares for a few seconds and then leaves quickly. What the fuck!?

11:00 am - I walk past the dog who is lying on the sofa trying to look casual. I close the door, wait three seconds, and open it again. Dog is still on sofa staring at me. She's up to something, I just know it.

11:30 am - I arrive at work after a cautious drive. Sit down at my desk. Sigh, and start seriously considering just going home. Damn - someone has schedule two meetings for me. I grudgingly accept the meetings. After all, why shouldn't the rest of the day be a bitch too.

Now it's 1:00 pm. I haven't accomplished one thing other than this post, and yet that is extremely gratifying. Now I think I'll go to lunch.

U P D A T E : Hmmm, maybe I stumbled onto to something this morning that I shouldn't have. I'm going to have to keep a closer eye on the dog, she was acting suspicious after all...


coolbuddha 2/01/2006 02:50:00 PM  

Added to which your profile and the stuff that normally appears to the right (funny that) is several scrolls down. This may be a technical difficulty in which case this blog will sound weird...oh, what the heck. I'm off to the pub.

coolbuddha 2/01/2006 02:55:00 PM  

I said blog but I meant post. Oh what the...

ThatGayConservative 2/01/2006 09:19:00 PM  

Good post.

Now e-mail me about that time @ church camp.

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